Today, I am celebrating my blog’s six month anniversary. In the last six months, I’ve written almost 100 posts (this is #96). I’ve also gained a new community of amazing supporters. I’ve have received several notes over the months from those who can relate, and those who have shared my blog to help a friend. I am deeply grateful.
When I started this project, it was an important step in my own recovery. Making a public declaration about my abuse was perhaps the scariest thing I could do. It was also the most life-giving thing I could do. While my rational brain knew that it was important to speak up, my subconscious was absolutely terrified.
Fear had paralyzed me for so long, reclaiming my own voice and my own experience was essential in releasing the power my abusers had over me. I had to combat the fear that my abusers would jump out of the shadows at any moment, and, by any means possible, find a way to make me shut up. I’m sure anyone who has been abused can relate to the fear of retaliation. Being punished for speaking up is a legitimate possibility for many of us. And while retaliation in some form is never completely off the table, by speaking up more and more, I am less afraid of what they could do to me. I am deprogramming myself little by little.
In six months, I have come a long way. In looking over my early posts, I can see the progression of healing taking place. Healing is not linear, and I have a long way to go, but I see growth. I still have some days where healing feels impossible and hopeless. Some days, I feel like a total mess. Some days, I feel I am wasting my time, or I worry that I am creating more problems by wallowing. Some days, I cannot escape the negative voices of my abusers in my head. Thankfully, those days come fewer and far between. What I am learning is that those days give me the greatest opportunities to love, appreciate, and accept who I am. I am learning to be extra nice to myself on those days, and to ask others to be extra nice, too.
I am human and my needs matter. This is the truth denied me for so long that I reclaim.
There is so much to celebrate. Thank you for celebrating with me.